Content Warning: mention of violent death, photos of physical abuse

Scroll past this article for the beginner resource guide for abusers.

Source: GoFundMe page, hosted by Mary Huang for Sunny’s family

Image Description: Graduation photo of Sunny Kim, wearing her cap and gown in front of the United States flag and New York state flag.

Why Now: Remembering Sunny Kim

To be honest, I’m wrote this because I couldn’t sleep. So much of what’s happening recently has brought up remembering Sunny Kim, a girl I never met and a Sister I will hold in my heart forever. In the past week, sorority sisters from several Asian Greek organizations have come forward with their stories of surviving sexual assaults and rape from members of Asian Greek fraternities. There is a growing list of over 70 different fraternity chapters with alleged abusers in each chapter. Some people have posted where these alleged abusers work and go to school. There is a growing database of every known alleged offender, intending to report them to their organizations. There were screenshots of a private fraternity group chat that existed to share nude photos of women without the women’s knowledge or consent, with comments mocking survivors’ testimonies of assault. There were comments from men who ranged from not understanding why what abusers did “was so bad” to questioning what they’re supposed to do next in fear of cancel culture.

It’s the defensive, self-serving responses from these men that remind me of Sunny’s tragedy. Sunny was described as a bringer of light and laughter. She was four years into her career as an educator and just landed a huge job opportunity. Sunny was young, had people who loved her, and was going to celebrate her achievements.

Sunny Kim didn’t deserve to die because of one man’s distorted perception of how to manage a relationship.

#StoryOfSunny

Sunny *LaRok* Kim was almost two years older than me and joined Kappa Phi Lambda in Fall 2010 at the University of Albany. After graduating in 2011 with a degree in Economics and East Asian Studies, she moved to South Korea to be a teacher. Sunny met her boyfriend, Mr. Lee, while working as a professor in Busan. On May 2, 2015, the day she accepted a new job offer, her boyfriend strangled her to death.

Despite Mr. Lee’s pleas that her death was the result of a random fit of rage, her family and friends report otherwise. They shared photos Sunny had sent of bruises, broken fingers, and black eyes. It’s unclear why Sunny reported these injuries to the local police and was not given resources to protect her or keep her safe.

Source: Story of Sunny website

Description: Four pixelated photos of Sunny’s face, indicating large red bruises on her lef cheek and what seems to be a swollen left eye. Fifth photo shows a heavily bandaged finger, likely a broken finger in a splint.

Her killer put her body in a suitcase, and buried the suitcase on a nearby mountain. He covered her grave site with concrete and flowers. For the next few weeks, he pretended to be Sunny via text and social media, and then alleged to have attempted suicide before turning himself in. According to an interview with Dr. Bokjun Kim, a South Korean police academy professor, it’s likely Mr. Lee’s sentence will be reduced because of his attempted suicide. Though the family is pushing for no less than premeditated murder, the most recent news about the trial seems to point in favor of Mr. Lee.

On Sunny’s GoFundMe page, the last update was posted July 7, 2015:

Update from her sister. The trial was July 2nd. Just wanted you guys to be aware of what is going on.

오늘 재판이 있었습니다. 헬쑥해지기는 커녕 오히려 더 건강해보이는 살인범의 모습을 보니 정말 화가 치밀고 눈물이 흐르더군요. 범인은 형량을 낮추기 위해서 최근 국선변호사를 자르고 법무법인 변호사를 선임했습니다. 재판은 그래서 연기가 되었고, 저희 가족은 다시 한번 가슴이 찢어지네요.

We had a trial at a supreme court today. I was extremely angry to see the murderer’s healthy looking appearance. Listening to the summary of what he had done to my innocent sister was overwhelmingly sad. He, sure, is a monster. My family was terrified to find out that the murderer recently hired a judicial affairs and corporate body lawyer, which cost much higher than hiring regular lawyers (aka Judicial affairs and corporate body lawyers are very skilled). His goal is, of course, to reduce the amount of the penalty that he’ll receive. Today, the trial got pushed and my family’s hearts were torn into a million pieces once more.

I was unable to find any articles or reports about Sunny’s case after 2015. It seems likely that Sunny’s killer had access to a significant amount of money and influence. It also seems likely that his defense of needing care for his mental health was probably successful in greatly reducing his sentence.

Reward System for Violence

Source: Al Jazeera “Believe Survivors protestors walk out as Kavanaugh stands firm.”

Image Description: Group of women of various ages and ethnicities standing in front of the Supreme Court building, some holding young children. Some are holding protest signs such as “I Believe Christine Blasey Ford” and “We Won’t Go Back.” A Black woman is standing in front of microphones, giving a speech before a colorful banner that reads “Believe Survivors.” Brett Kavanaugh was allowed appointment to a Supreme Court Judge position, despite testimony from Dr. Ford who was sexually assaulted by Kavanaugh in college.

In 2017, two years after Sunny’s murder, the Korean Institute of Criminology reported that 80% of 2,000 South Korean men admitted they physically or psychologically abused their girlfriends. The study found that 71% of the men engaged in controlling behavior such as deciding what they wore, restricting their time with friends or family members, and access to their phones. South Korea continues to dismiss domestic violence as a “family matter,” with proof in their numbers: of domestic violence reports made between 2014 – 2019, 13% saw arrests, 8.5% received an indictment, and just 0.9% received a prison sentence. In one anecdote, while a South Korean woman was petitioning for

Meanwhile in the United States, a domestic violence incident occurs every 15 seconds. In the United States, 4 women are killed daily in acts of intimate partner violence. On a typical day, a domestic violence hotline receives an average of 20,000 calls. According to the Center for Disease Control, 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men will experience physical violence by a domestic partner at least once in their lifetime. The data was incomplete for non-binary people, though named that transgender people were twice more likely to experience domestic violence.

Even when abusers are convicted, sentences can be reduced based on the abuser’s status and influence. Such was the case of Asian American Chanel Miller, who was raped by Brock Turner, a white male student a Stanford University on the school swim team. He pleaded not guilty to all charges and was sentenced to six months in prison. He was released after three months for “good behavior.”

Aside from horror, pain, and tragedy, what are we supposed to learn from these numbers? What do the spirits of women like Sunny Kim want us to remember from their lives and their deaths?

Let’s start with believing their pain. Let’s start with stopping preventable deaths instead of allowing historical harm to continue. Let’s start with holding abusers accountable to justice, and providing survivors, abusers, and our communities the resources they need to heal from this systemic and historical cycle of violence.

Patterns of Pain

Source: Medium “It’s easy to say you believe survivors. It’s harder to actually believe them.”

Image Description: Black background, two white rectangles with dark blue text that read “I don’t believe that you’ll believe me.”

When is the right time to say something? To do something? To try and escape? It takes an average of 7 attempts before a victim is able to break away from an abusive relationship. The National Domestic Violence Hotline blog has a series listing “50 Obstacles to Leaving.” Some reasons include:

• “I just need to be a better partner. Then they’ll stop hurting me.”
• “They really will kill me. Staying is safer than trying to leave.”
• “I chose them over my family and friends, who probably won’t take me back now.”
• “I don’t trust the police or the court system.”
• “They need me, I’m the only one that understands them.”
• “I am damaged, I won’t find a better relationship than this.”

In “Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture” essayist Elissa Bassist lays out her fears of not being believed:

“I might be overreacting, overemotional, oversensitive, weak, playing victim, crying wolf, blowing things out of proportion, making things up. Because generations of women have heard that they’re irrational, melodramatic, neurotic, hysterical, hormonal, psycho, fragile and bossy.”

“Girls are coached out of the womb to be non-confrontational, agreeable, solicitous, deferential, demure, nurturing, to be tuned in to others, and to shrink and shut up,” 

These myths and fears apply not only to women but to all victims of sexual assault and intimate partner violence, including men, masculine presenting folx, and members of the LGBTQ+ community.

What Can I Do?

There is no perfect, prescribed way to support all survivors, just as each person has different gifts, capacities, and perspectives on how to manage any relationship. Here are some key points I find need the most reminding:

1. Check yourself. What are the things you’re prepared and able to do in support of your loved one? Also, what are the things you’re not yet prepared or unable to do? Be honest when you need to step back and recharge, be honest about things you want to be able to handle but can’t. Emphasize professional help for your loved one, and also be ready to Love Language them when they’re home.
2. Channel your energy to your loved one. Avoid spending your energy on violence towards the alleged abuser or encouraging violence as much as possible. Focus on your loved one, their needs, and their leadership on how they want to heal.
3. Educate yourself. The process to report, heal, and move on can be complicated and confusing. Healing isn’t always getting from Point A to Point B. There are libraries of information [webinars, lesson plans, videos, fact sheets] curated by many organizations that specialize in addressing domestic violence, sexual assault, and gender based violence. Many also rely on donations to keep their services going:
   • National Network to End Domestic Violence
   • National Domestic Violence Hotline
   • Anti-Violence Project

Do what you can, and do it as well as you can. Focus, patience, and humility matters.

#MeToo

I wanted to end on something more clinically useful, but my thoughts just pull me back to wondering why my friend didn’t help me when he knew my boyfriend was abusing me. It was about a year after that relationship ended. We were sipping frappucinos and splitting a coffee cake like we’ve always done. I was a few days from leaving Southern California for my freshman year at NYU. [I remember being especially proud of that, since my abuser made me sign a “contract” promising I wouldn’t go out of state for college.]

We were chatting about me preparing to be off on my own, and then his energy changed. He looked at me and said something along the lines of, “I’m sorry I didn’t do anything about last year.” An apology for knowing. Judging by the stare he gave me, I realized he knew about everything.

I felt like a glacier crashed on my head. It was the one lie my eighteen year old self unconsciously held on to: that no one helped me because no one saw it. The years I gaslighted myself into believing this was how a relationship was supposed to be, because we were a church youth group couple and around so many people all the time. But no. This person confirmed what I wish I knew then: they saw. And did nothing.

Later on, I would learn my abuser knocked up the next girl he was with and had the predictable shotgun wedding expected of good boys who are soon-to-be fathers. This friend and I pretty much never spoke again, but through the auntie chismis I learned the highlights of his life since then.

Living away from home allowed me the opportunities I needed to find myself and determine my own values and personality. I went on to have safe, loving, healing relationships, and am currently figuring out what cotton-themed gift to get my partner for our 2nd wedding anniversary in a few weeks. (Why is this a thing?)

What I did take away from that belated apology was that I’d rather risk being wrong about defending someone than being silent and risk being right. So, be brave. Believe survivors, value accountability, and do your part. Fight for us while we’re still here, don’t wait until we’re in our graves. #StoryOfSunny

Content Warning: Rape, sexual assault, references to abuse

This starting guide is for people who have harmed others and those who share space with them (e.g. relatives, friends, co-workers, associates). Accountability is still valid when we treat others with compassion. Healing is an experience that requires commitment from the individual and their community. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse or is a survivor in need of support, please consider sharing the following resources:

Source: developgoodhabits.com

The Short Answer

People who harmed others can heal. Healing can look like making sure they themselves will never repeat that violence, and promoting that message to others. Healing can look like making amends with their victims, and/or following their leadership and wishes for reparations. Healing can look like coming to terms with their own experiences with abuse and violence, forgiving their own abusers.

However. Before that can truly happen, that person needs to realize, acknowledge, and accept that what they believed to be acceptable actually harmed someone and they have to answer for causing that harm. If you have harmed someone and were looking for a quick list of things to “fix” the situation, here:

• Check in with the people who love and support you. No one can heal alone. Talk to them about keeping you accountable for what you did and committed to addressing the harm. Invite them to support you in healing the harm you caused. Understand it might be hard for them, some people might need space from you or won’t have a relationship with you anymore. Talk about setting boundaries and expectations when it comes to addressing the harm you caused and the work you have to do to be better.
• Actively heal yourself. Find a regular therapist, talk to your spiritual advisor, look for a support group for you and for your family/friends supporting you. Consider enrolling services that specialize in treating people who have abused others in the specific way you harmed your victim.
• Financially support organizations that provide healing, resources, and support for survivors of abuse. (see list above for suggested hotlines, to start) This can look like making personal donations or organizing a fundraiser.

Abusers can move on. They can make amends and restore peace from violence. They can have healthy intimate relationships, families, careers, and be a positive part of society. Some parts of their life they cannot regain, or will have a different relationship with. Some abusers and survivors can reconcile, while others can never face each other. For these things to be true and really matter, this involves accountability, responsibility, unlearning, discomfort, and commitment to non-repeat. Otherwise, the thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs that enabled that person to choose abusive actions will continue to be an easier choice for them to make.

I’m Not an “Abuser,” I Made A Mistake

“Abuser” is like the term “schizo” or “retard,” in that a person’s choice or condition defines them like a title. I encourage use of the word “abuser” as a shorthand to reference “someone with a known history for causing harm/violence on someone else.”

What makes healing for abusers hard? Well, raise your hand if you’re willing to go on TikTok Live and admit every negative thought, every prejudiced belief, and every sin and lie you ever got away with. With a Green Screen filter of screenshots. Admitting weakness, guilt, and fault is hard for anyone. Also, that person may likely hold on to beliefs about themselves and what happened that excuse their actions or blame others as explanation for their choices. Those excuses keep you stuck as part of the problem. These messages may look like:

• “It wasn’t that bad. They smiled, they didn’t say no. If anything, they enjoyed it.”
• “They acted like they wanted it. They should have been grateful for the attention.”
• “That’s my girlfriend/boyfriend/partner. It was just a relationship issue, it’s not anyone else’s business.”
• “Okay it was a mistake, but it wasn’t abuse.“
• “I’ve acted like this before and no one’s complained until now.”
• “I’m a good person. This was just one incident, one mistake. Let’s just let it go.”
• “My dad/brother/uncle/mom/sister/friend/etc. treats people this way. This is fine.”
• “I told them to be quiet because people might get the wrong idea about me.”
• “I don’t deserve my life to be over because of this loser. I’m better than them, that should count for something.”

For loved ones of abusers, you are essential because the core ingredient of any abuser’s healing process is whether or not they develop empathy for the person they harmed and the community that is reacting to their violence. We can love people and still give criticism, reject harmful behavior, and challenge them to do better. We can support others in building empathy by modeling it in our relationship with them. That can look like: taking time to ask deeper questions about how someone feels and what they believe, joining local causes that benefit others, and being candid about how our privileges allow us to ignore harm in other communities or harm others for our benefit. They need to practice acting on empathy, let them start with you.

Connecting is Key

Source: @aolanow

Image Description: Small black dot labeled “Everything I know” and a larger black circle labeled “Everything I don’t know.”

Thich Nhat Hanh is a world-renowned Zen Master, Vietnamese monk, and founder of Plum Village Tradition, a Buddhist monastery in France where people can learn the art of harmony with people and the Earth. One struggle he and his team were called to support were residents of refugee camps that were raped by sea pirates in Southeast Asia. As part of his response, he wrote the poem “Please call me by my true names.” The poem examines the incident from the perspective of a girl who drowned herself after her rape, the sea pirate who raped her, and himself as a bystander. Without making excuses for the pirate’s behavior, Thich Nhat Hanh encourages us to consider the social, systemic, and historical environment that allowed someone like the pirate to make those choices. Just like peace, violence exists because it is fed and allowed to exist.

No one wants to be the villain in anyone else’s story, much less their own. Embarrassment is uncomfortable. Shame is uncomfortable. Vulnerability is uncomfortable. Discomfort has its benefits in terms of finding answers and motivating change.

A key component of healing is to really look at the person who was a victim of your harm. There is a difference between the assumptions you made about that person, and who they really are. There is a difference between the stories you made up about the experience and their perspective of the experience.

If you have harmed someone and are struggling to accept that you did, consider asking yourself some of these questions:

• Who in my life acted this way? Where did I learn this was okay?
• How did I make this person feel, based on their own words? How is that different from how I wanted to make them feel?
• What was I supposed to gain from doing this? Does it matter now? Could I have gotten what I wanted another way?
• Who do I need to love and/or support me? What do I need from them, and what do I need to do for myself?
• This thing I did doesn’t define who I am, and I am responsible for making it right. What can I do now?

Healing Can Hurt and Still Work

The cycle of change process is a cycle because it never really ends. The goal is to spend more time in actively succeeding and changing than sitting in failure or doing nothing.

Part of change is accepting that things can’t or won’t “go back to the way they were.” You may lose people, privileges, and opportunities. You may likely need to disclose the harm you caused for every future intimate relationship, job opportunity, group, and community space you enter. Understand that this experience is paralleled by your survivor, who also has to navigate disabilities, triggers, and discomfort that were caused by your harm. Understand that the people who love and support you will have to endure ignorance from others about why you are still worthy of love and how you continue to change for the better. Be part of the solution and give them something hopeful to talk about.

Research seems to support that abusers who engage in treatment for their abuse are drastically less likely to repeat the offense. Two main components of therapy for offenders include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), that addresses the thought and behavior patterns that encouraged and enabled the abuse; and relapse prevention, which teaches offenders how to anticipate and cope with problems that can lead to reoffending.

The research on treating abusers and offenders is small but growing. Treatment for all forms of abusers and levels of severity have a shared set of general goals:

• Identify your specific risk factors (e.g. substance use, feelings of low self esteem, certain people or environments)
• Recognize and decrease the use of manipulative behavior patterns
• Address denial
• Accept full responsibility for past and present harmful behavior
• Develop healthy attitudes and behaviors towards relationships and society
• If appropriate, explore own history with surviving abuse and normalizing harm

Where to Go From Here

Source: @aolanow

Image Description: Yellow circle on a tan background with the words “people need people.”

People learn, unlearn, and relearn all the time. “Doing something over and over again doesn’t just make it easier. It actually changes the brain. ” (Source: Science News for Students) This applies for abusers, survivors, and the community that shares space with all of them.

There is a difference between punishment-based justice and restorative-based justice. To punish an injustice is to use violence in response to violence. To restore justice is to repair the harm that has affected the victim, community, and the abuser. Abusers have a duty to heal so the harm does not repeat.

For leadership of organizations, especially fraternities, that are dealing with members that have abused others: before you terminate their membership, consider enlisting them to support your learning process while you still have a professional relationship and obligation to each other. Listen to them describe the environment and conditions in their office or chapter that enabled them to abuse their victim. Examine how they and members around them are choosing to react — whether in denial, anger, or shame — and what opportunities that provides you in terms of topics for workshops, discussions, and statements. Consider the needs and requests of the survivor, taking their leadership into account when it comes to identifying these gaps between your organization’s core values and the beliefs and actions of a few individuals.

For family members, friends, and supportive associates of an abuser: Stay focused on the goal of supporting this person to be safe for themselves and others. Be honest about your own limits and needs, this relationship doesn’t become a one-way street just because this person is on their own healing journey. Find your own ways to take care of yourself that aligns with healing, peace, and forgiveness.

For survivors and supporters of survivors: I apologize that it isn’t guaranteed you will receive an apology or be able to know for sure whether your abuser has changed. I celebrate you for your bravery to share your story as part of your healing process. We might not be able to say the “exact right thing,” but we are dedicated to giving you our best. We are here for you.

For abusers, people who have caused harm: Maybe someone shared this article with you because they wanted to let you know they support you, but don’t know what they can say or do to be helpful. Maybe you’re reading this for a timeline so you can estimate when the public harassment will end, or a to-do list of steps to complete so you can be forgiven and forgotten. What I do know is that you have a right to be healed from what led you to harm. Do the work. You can do it.

Resources for Abusers:

• Help for Abusive Partners
• FUTURES Without Violence
• Men’s Resource Center
• Mustard Seed Forensic Social Work Services
• DOJ Sex Offenders Resource Page

About the Author: Jamy Drapeza (they/siya/she) is a member of Kappa Phi Lambda Sorority, Inc. and a licensed therapist in the state of New York. The following is not a representation of Kappa Phi Lambda Sorority,  Inc. and are their own thoughts and opinions informed by their personal and professional experience. 

Jamy has over six years of experience as a case manager, social worker, and program director serving Black and Brown youth, adults, and families impacted by the criminal legal system and mass incarceration. They facilitated workshops on alternatives to incarceration, restorative practices, and ending racial and gender-based violence in spaces such as local government departments, juvenile detention centers, and criminal justice nonprofits. They also contribute over three years of experience organizing for pan-Asian civil rights, acknowledging the intersections of social justice needs demanded by both the Asian and Black communities. As a non-Black person of color, they contribute their experience as a healer, professional, and organizer in working to center marginalized communities and building a socially equitable future for all.

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The Issue

On May 29th, the National Asian Pacific Islander Desi Panhellenic Association (NAPA) released a statement in light of recent killings and harms to the Black community, calling all members of Asian Greek life to stand in solidarity with the Black community and act against anti-Black racism. Among their 11-point list of actions non-Black members are encouraged to accomplish include:

“Validate the experiences and feelings of Black lives.”

On the same day, Roger Sun – a member of the New York University chapter of Lambda Phi Epsilon Fraternity, Inc. – posted two screenshots on Subtle Asian Greeks. The text was his apology to the Subtle Asian Greeks community after screenshots were shared of his anti-Black statements in a chat group with all the active members of his chapter.

Source: Roger Sun

Image Description:

“First and foremost, I want to apologize to the black community for the texts that were sent in the group chat. The texts clearly demonstrated my ignorance and lack of understanding for the African American community and the systemic struggles that are unique to them. Although it was not my intention to support and condone police brutality, my intentions do not matter. The fact of the matter is that my texts, whether intentional or not, demonstrated a misconstrued viewpoint that is deep rooted in my privilege and ignorance for the black community. I have no right to speak on behalf of life in Compton or Chicago or any black community because I will never experience the same struggles that they face on a day to day basis. I must do better in educating myself about black history in America, and understanding the implications of my own privilege.

I apologize to Lambda Phi Epsilon, NYU, and every student at NYU for the ignorant and bigoted things that I said. The text messages do not represent what Lambdas, NYU, and the student body stand for, and I am embarrassed to have tarnished their reputation.

This has been a learning experience for me. As a non-black POC, my opinions and what I think I know about the black community are wrong and irrelevant. I can only support their fight against the injustices they have faced for generations in this country. It is now my duty to share what I have learned with the rest of the Asian community. It is no secret that anti-Blackness is rampant within my own community, and it is time for us to take action.

Thank you to those who held me accountable for the things I said. I hope that one day I can earn your forgiveness and reconcile for my actions.”

The Responses

Responses to Roger’s post varied, though the majority of the sentiments can be categorized with the following paraphrased comments:

• “People are going to clown you, you shouldn’t have made this a social media thing,” “I believe you’re a good person, you shouldn’t be attacked for having an opinion about Black people.”
• “Thank you for your apology. I hope this is the start of you making real change.”
• “As a [non-Black person] this is not an apology, you’re just embarrassed you got caught. Do better! We need to keep having these conversations!”
• “As a Black person, I don’t accept your apology. We’re tired of people like you. Saying sorry isn’t enough.

I have questions for the people in the first reaction. First, who hurt you? Who told you that being a Brother means defending someone from a consequence they both need and deserve, instead of standing with him and learning together? Congratulations, you can recite “Invictus.” Spitting words and facts to a tempo isn’t what made you a member of your organization.

Being the captain of your soul demands responsibility as you learn how to navigate the challenges that live in a sea of systemic social issues that existed before you.   

Roger was wrong for what he said and what he believes to be true about Black people. He is not wrong in accepting criticism, being corrected, making his apology visible, and admitting he has not been challenged to think critically about Black people and their safety in society. This conversation is uncomfortable, not unnecessary.

Source: @thebeardedsocialworker

Image Description: Black background with white text that says “It’s Black, not black.” Created by @thebeardedsocialworker.

First of all – it’s Black, not black.

“First and foremost, I want to apologize to the black community for the texts that were sent in the group chat. The texts clearly demonstrated my ignorance and lack of understanding for the African American community and the systemic struggles that are unique to them. Although it was not my intention to support and condone police brutality, my intentions do not matter.” – Roger Sun

Respect and validate the feelings and lived experiences of Black people, starting with how we talk about them and write about them as non-Black people, and how we consume Black culture responsibly and appropriately. Racism in the 21st century isn’t exclusively spray painting racial slurs, wearing blackface, parading with tiki torches, or lynching. Racism can look like non-Black people enjoying and participating in Black culture pieces like the stroll songs, the step routines, the probates — and then confidently producing statements like “There are many reasons as to why these things happen to African Americans more than any other demographic. When those communities are statistically more violent, then it’s only logical that police brutality is more common within those communities.”

The many reasons why Black communities are targeted with more police presence, never mind police brutality, are not because Black people are more violent than any other race. Enter, systemic racism and wh*te supremacy: the same system that built that bamboo ceiling over your career path, that has banned migrants and imprisoned U.S. citizens for just being Asian, and encourages the myth that all Asian men have small dicks.

What was said was racist because:

1. Racism implies privilege and power over another race. Roger is aware that Asian communities are not portrayed as violent or over policed, and that an Asian man is less likely to be perceived as a threat to a police officer in comparison to a Black man.
2. That being said, Asians are not seen as violent people, despite our rates of physical and sexual violence in our homes and communities. The crack in the model minority myth is that we don’t have our own problems and needs for intervention and healing.

So, why are so many cops in poor, predominantly Black communities that have reputations for violence? There is so much to speak on in terms of tracing the roots of the current incarceration and policing system to being an extension of slavery, to the cycle of violence, to continuing to keep marginalized communities underfunded and fractured; but you can just buy and read Michelle Alexander’s The New Jim Crow to start. To quote former law enforcement director Clarence Edwards:

“Some police forces in this nation have historically played critical roles in maintaining positional power for wh*tes. This has created a very difficult chasm to overcome when police departments attempt to implement community policing initiatives. Race continues to influence how people of African descent in the United States are treated by law enforcement.”

In short, even cops acknowledge that believing racism and protecting wh*te power has helped dig the hole we face today in terms of overpolicing in poor Black communities.

Source: Take Part

Image Description: A Black femme is sitting cross-legged on a grassy field. They are holding a black sign with “YOUNG,” “BLACK,” and “SAFE” painted in white lettering. Each word has a checkbox on their right. There is a red check mark next to YOUNG and BLACK. There is no red check mark next to SAFE.

Black people don’t “deserve” police brutality. No one does.

“I have no right to speak on behalf of life in Compton or Chicago or any black community because I will never experience the same struggles that they face on a day to day basis. I must do better in educating myself about black history in America, and understanding the implications of my own privilege.” – Roger Sun

1. Statistically, wh*tes commit violent crimes at the highest rate, yet are the least likely to be arrested or sentenced to prison for the same crimes as Black people. Also, Black people are more likely to be arrested and sentenced for non-violent crimes.
2. Also statistically, Black people are more likely to be victims of violent crimes than wh*te people.
3. Black people are still 3.6 times more likely to be jailed nationally than wh*te people. Even though the wh*te jail population doubled nationally between 1990 and 2013.
4. Hate crimes and risk of police brutality happens to Black people when they’re asleep in their own homes, jogging in their neighborhoods,cashing their own paychecks, napping in their college common room, or asking for directions.
5. Hate crimes and risk of police brutality happens to Black people when they’re in their firefighter uniform, when they wear a bikini, when they’re trying on prom clothes, when they wear a backpack in public.

Even cops say police brutality is wrong

Since the birth of the Black Lives Matter movement upon the deaths of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown, the advancement of social media has not only exposed certain police officers breaking protocols to actively kill people, it’s exposed both the existence of racist policies and lack of anti-racist policies that enable these tragedies to continue.

On May 25, 2020, George Floyd was a Black man who was wrongfully accused of possessing counterfeit money and was apprehended by four officers. He was killed as a police officer crushed his neck with his knee. Police commissioners, police union presidents, and fellow officers across the nation have condemned the unnecessary use of force and prejudice that led to his death. Police brutality is not necessary. Police brutality is not keeping the peace. Police brutality is wrong.

Source: Unknown

Image Description: Photo of Asian American activist Grace Lee Boggs. Light blue texts that reads “It was only after the Black Power movement and the Black rebellions inspired a new pride in all people of color that we repudiated the stereotypes of ourselves as the “model minority” and created our new identity as Asian Americans to announce our refusal to accept the “divide and rule” policies of the power structure. The term “Asian American” bristled with the defiance inherent in rebellion” – Grace Lee Boggs

How are Asian Americans supposed to apologize for being anti-Black?

“I apologize to Lambda Phi Epsilon, NYU, and every student at NYU for the ignorant and bigoted things that I said. The text messages do not represent what Lambdas, NYU, and the student body stand for, and I am embarrassed to have tarnished their reputation. This has been a learning experience for me. As a non-black POC, my opinions and what I think I know about the black community are wrong and irrelevant.

I can only support their fight against the injustices they have faced for generations in this country. It is now my duty to share what I have learned with the rest of the Asian community. It is no secret that anti-Blackness is rampant within my own community, and it is time for us to take action.”  – Roger Sun

Source: Recovery Plus Journal

Image Description: Cycle of Change wheel. Black arrow labeled “Enter” pointing at the Pre-Contemplation phase. That phase then points to the next cycle phases: Contemplation, Preparation, Action, Maintenance, Relapse, then Pre-Contemplation. There is a black arrow pointing outside the circle labeled “Lasting Exit” and is stemming from the Maintenance phase.

Saying Sorry vs. Making an Apology

Change takes time and, in a way, never stops. The Cycle of Change (pictured and described above) tells us that change starts when we are “pre-contemplation” or not really thinking about what it is we need to change at all. That is the state many Asian Americans are in when it comes to confronting our internalized colonization, wh*te supremacy, and anti-Blackness. Of course, that’s not how it’s packaged to us as we move in the world. It can look like body shaming, centralizing European wh*te ideals of beauty. It can look like racializing labor shaming: categorizing blue-collar workers like farmers, janitors, and fast-food workers as lazy; the a punishment if you don’t work get a college degree and middle-class job.

Between Contemplation/Preparation seems to be where this story with Roger Sun is at now. Him and probably many of the folks who commented on his apology with questions as to why he had to apologize publicly in the first place. There are several comments made by people who want to see harsher punishment or harm to Roger because he represents ignorant, anti-Black non-Black POCs in this moment. The best Action may seem to take guys like Roger down with vigor, and also, how does that build unity in our community? My suggestion is that Roger, his chapter, and his organization, consider an action plan that is focused on reparations.

Reparations

The United Nations outlined a detailed series of steps that define reparations, which include:

1. Restitution
2. Compensation
3. Rehabilitation
4. Guarantee for non-repeat

Restitution: Restoring our victims to their original situation before the violation

There is a wealth of information out there, created by both Asian and Black leaders in the current civil rights movement, that informs us how to unlearn our racism and stand in solidarity with the Black community. Yes, there will be challenges as well as opportunities, and the reward is the difficult but not impossible goal of every person, regardless of their race or identity, is entitled to safety and freedom to live.

It’s understandable that Black people hesitate to support the Asian community when we have a history of being anti-Black and forget our shared history of solidarity, led by the likes of Yuri Kochiyama, Grace Lee Boggs, and Richard Aoki. We only stand to gain when the enemy is not each other, but the systems that profit from our division.

“A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.” – James Keller

Compensation: Assess damage and contribute economically as able 

It’s fair to admit when we don’t have the answers to everything. And also, you don’t have to be the President of the Greek-Letter Asians for Racial Equality, Inc. to make sincere contributions that advance healing and social change. In my opinion, part of Roger’s retribution journey and that of his chapter and organization could look like raising funds and awareness for organizations that are already doing this work. My suggestions include:

The Audre Lorde Project

Black Lives Matter

CAAAV

Color of Change

Three Token Brown Girls

Rehabilitation: Intentionally building with Black community members and organizations

No, I’m not telling you to make a Black friend and all is forgiven. I am suggesting you consider all the ways you move in your day to day, and make different choices that benefit your unlearning of racism and growth as a leader in your community.

• If you’re a student organization, especially a Greek-letter organization, consider partnering with a Black fraternity or sorority, or your school’s Black student association for a workshop, community service event, or social event. Use the time to focus on building solidarity and unity with each other and understanding each other. It’s harder to fear and easier to build when you have a relationship with someone of that identity/community.
• Look into your own race or ethnicity’s struggle with the same issues as Black people. Immigration, domestic violence, poverty, barriers to leadership roles. Know your self, your history, and what your people are doing to change the status quo.
• Stand up for Black people around you. You might not say the perfect thing. Your help may be declined. You probably will feel embarrassed. But stand up anyway. That can be as thankless as telling your non-Black friend in a space of non-Black people to stop saying the “N-word,” and idc if it’s in the song don’t sing it. That can be as small as crediting the original Black creator on your next TikTok. That can be as brave as admitting to an online platform of mostly Asian peers that you said something racist, and you’re going to figure out how to make it right for your self and for our community.

Guarantee for Non-Repeat: Avoid doing this again

In the case of Roger Sun, the specific thing he should be mindful to never do again is to voice an opinion that is negative/approving of violence on a group of people on the basis of their racial identity in a space where no people of that identity are present.

The hope with an apology including a guarantee of non-repeat is that the lesson goes deeper than one person thinking twice before they type something about violence towards the Black community. Here’s what I hope comes from this:

• I hope we normalize failure, so that we can spend less time trying to hide evidence of our failures and spend more time healing, learning, and acting better as a result of our failures.
• I hope our Asian Greek-letter organizations prioritize leadership development with a focus on inclusivity of all marginalized identities and unlearning oppressive thoughts, ideas, and behaviors.
• I hope we hold each other more accountable, not only for anti-Blackness but for all the -isms and phobias like sexism, homophobia, and discrimination of the poor.
• I hope valuing Black lives would teach us to raise awareness and fight for change among ourselves. Asian, Desi, Latinx, Middle Eastern, and Native communities need healing and protection too. Even wh*te communities struggle under wh*te supremacy.

Last Thoughts Before Part 2

I didn’t know anything about Roger Sun until I opened Facebook on that day and saw my Little’s comment on his apology post in Subtle Asian Greeks. To be very honest, as an Asian person and member of an Asian Greek organization, my first reaction was deep sadness. Not just for what was originally said, but how this apology sparked more cancel culture towards the one person — as if taking down Roger Sun would turn into a Facebook Badge for Black allyship — than building on his apology as a platform to end anti-Blackness in the Asian community and commit to solidarity with the Black community.

It is my opinion that Roger Sun can stand to take people being mad at him for what he said and what he believes. I think his apology post should not be considered as an excuse to not do the work, but to signal the start of his healing process for him self and our community. The inverse would be to ask our Black Brothers and Sisters to stay silent when we speak about their bodies, families, and communities in ignorance.

Two of my Littles are Black. NYU in 2008 – 2011 was a different time. I remember Black students organized a “100 Black Students” event, referring to the statistic myth/joke that there were only 100 Black students at NYU and focused on organizing for Black student issues. Looking back, I didn’t witness anti-Blackness towards my Little, nor did he disclose experiencing racism among his brothers and the Asian Greek community.

In 2017, I welcomed my second Little Sis into our family. Barely a few months as a neo, and she was already exhausted at the number of times she’s had to tell Asian Greeks to not say the N-word; especially in front of her. As her Big, I was angry. Which regional consultant did I need to contact? How does she get an apology? When was this ever okay? I applaud her chapter for standing by her, and that she was able to channel her rage at the rampant anti-Blackness in our community by organizing award-winning events on racism and educating the Asian community on anti-Blackness. And also… not everyone is my Little. Not every active house is willing to stand behind their Black Brothers and Sisters when they say they’ve been harmed. Not every campus is welcoming of pro-Black action. Still, doing something matters.

And so, I did this thing and created this article. I’m taking a break, and then creating Part 2 based on the screenshots of what was actually said, how they were problematic, and suggestions on how to move on from this as a community.

First, Visuals to Set the Mood!

Disclaimer: Will credit all artistic content that is not mine to the best of my ability, open to be corrected if I’m misinformed.

Credit: Ephemeral Eternal

Credit: Bitch Media

Credit: The nether regions of the Internet

The Intro Paragraph!

Well, you made it to chronological adulthood.

Congratulations.

For some, this journey has looked like being a model Well Rounded Student™ to get into an Insta-worthy college that’s led to a shiny job at a place your parents can brag about. For others, you may have chosen a path less traveled. And now, you’re at a place where you’re comfortable enough to start paying back student loans and your parents are still trying to understand why your life choices are not in the “lawyer-doctor-engineer” trilogy you were supposed to pick from. There may also be some of us recovering or going through some Grown Adult Shit™, and all those American Dream milestones may not be possible now, or never was part of what you wanted for yourself. Especially if America’s influence on your ancestral land influenced your family’s migration. [That can be another series, what do you think?]

Despite which type of adult you identify with, the same themes consistently come up both in my personal experience and what I’ve observed in sharing with friends, family members, and fellow First Gen kids: navigating power and privilege as our parents age with us, KonMari-ing the values you grew up with to fit the life you’re building for yourself, and how to have conflict with your elders as your status changes from Child to Adult. Let’s dive!

Navigating Power and Privilege

Source: Pinterest

Caption for non-anime fans: The picture above is from an anime called Dragonball Z. In this photo is a  young, blonde, Super Saiyan Gohan, with his dead dad Goku appearing as a spirit behind him. The reference is that Gohan is trying to defeat a villain that his father couldn’t defeat, and his dad is lending him power/encouragement from the afterlife so he could achieve what Goku could not. And also, dad gets the credit, kind of, anyway. 

A common hope/belief with immigrant parents is that their kids will take the best of what opportunities America has to offer, while keeping their hearts, minds, and values rooted in the same soil of their parents’ childhoods. This sentiment can often come across as anxious parenting, manifesting in phenomenons like co-depending or being “overprotective parents” a.k.a. Immigrant Parents. 

Co-dependency warning signs can include:

• an excessive need to please others
• fear of being alone
• need to be in control
• intimacy problems

For some, our elders’ need for us to be available at all times may be rooted in practical needs: needing to translate something in English, navigating a government form, or just taking out the trash. As the parent, reliance on one’s children may feel like too much power to give to someone you’re supposed to lead and raise. Fostering co-dependency among your American children can seem like a tactic to keep filial piety deeply rooted enough to weather the storms of American cultural values like “personal independence” or “mental health” as a “thing.”

Either way, you’re the American kid to immigrant parents. That power shift is going to happen. Whether that’s the day they need you to translate at the doctor’s office, the day you go to an older cousin or school counselor to navigate college applications, or the day you defend them from some xenophobes in public. That realization may land for them first than it does for you, because in your mind this is just how childhood rolls.

With a parenting approach rooted in anxiety of raising a kid in a foreign land, some immigrant parents seem like they’re stocking up karma points to spend when the day comes that their American child may want to make an independent decision that doesn’t align with The Plan™ or is about something they don’t understand. As if Karma Points can be exchanged for Because I Said So Points, to avoid being in a position of being schooled and/or proven wrong by your kid.

Best Practice #1: Break it down into bite-sized pieces.

For elders that just seem “regular anxious” about your decisions, I encourage you to unpack that with them, and to do so rooted in a place of love and wanting them to accept the same level of peace and certainty you have about your decisions. Don’t be a jerk about being right (as my mom tells me). Also, see what you feel comfortable sharing in terms of both successes and failures, so they can see how resilient you’ve become. For the most part, they want to feel like they’re part of your progress without admitting they need to read the Ikea instructions.

Here are some templates to get things going:

• I’m choosing to do this because it’s a common next step for people in my career, and I know I’ll be a better professional if I do this. What about this is worrying you?
• Where did you hear that [decision] was a bad thing? Let me share what I know about it, I learned it through [credible source that isn’t WebMD or Wikipedia].
• I’m glad you raised me to value [working hard, being honest, etc.]. That really paid off today when I…
• Ah, [negative thing happened]. Though, I have a plan and everything is on track to be fixed in a week.

KonMari-ing Your Values

The need for kids to be nearby can also be rooted in the validly fearful reality of being an immigrant in America and immigrants need all the allies we can get.

Source: Dictionary.com

America, aka ‘Murica. The land of internationally known Ivy League universities with single digit acceptance rates. The land colonized by ex-Brits that successfully flipped the bird at the Union Jack while they reaped the lives and lands of Native nations to become the world superpower they are today. The land where immigrants with a good dream and strong work ethic can get rich, where $1 USD can get you a slice of pizza in NYC and is also one of the top 3 most popular currencies in the world. America.

Best Practice #2: Let your elders know that they and their culture is still relevant to you. Whether that’s trying to speak with them more in their native language and less in English, whether that’s electing to call or visit before they nag you to, or maybe just to post a fire selfie on their Facebook wall so they can humble brag to their friends how good their kid looks and “wow look at that gene pool, amirite?”; the goal is to normalize the fact that you can and will make decisions independently of them, and that being more of yourself doesn’t mean erasing their value in your life.

Best Practice #3: Colonization is deep and real. Understand that you’re American first in their eyes, and everyone needs to do decolonization work.

Okay first of all, I see it too: this is a huge chunk of bao to try and swallow as a best practice in the 2nd part of my first ever blog post. There is a lot of scholarly literature, fiery Tumblr posts, and, of course, TedTalks about this subject. If this is your first time even grappling with the concept of decolonizing your perception of self and the world, see how these scenarios fit you:

• mom handing you a bar of Fair & Lovely, telling you it’s better to not look like a farmer while your grandma who spent her whole life toiling her ancestral lands planting rice looks away, pointedly focused on today’s rerun of Jeopardy!
• aunties telling you not to date anyone “blacker than the bottom of your foot” and don’t you have a nice White friend that’s single?
• the concept of pelo malo, that the only hair to be proud of is what’s straight, maybe a little wavy; no kinks allowed
• giving you an American name, bonus points if it’s from the Bible (shoutout to all the Davids, Esthers, Jeremiahs, and Sarahs)
• when asking why we left the homeland, as the Philippines pops up as one of the top “hidden gems” of travel and the response is something along the lines of “people who live there are stuck, there’s nothing there, it’s better to send the care package than to receive it”

Depressing, I know. That being said, the decolonization work can start between you and your elders. In validating your cultural traditions, the family values you do agree with, and also being willing to critique where America gets it wrong, and to also own up to when you are flexing your privilege by using complex words or deep American cultural references instead of meeting your family where they’re at. Being the bigshot American at your elders is exactly the type of flex they don’t want, and that’s not the kind of mess you want to try to start or clean up. Let’s not perpetuate the harm of colonization on our elders, especially as we both age and they know they need to rely on us more than we need to rely on them. Transition to the last point in this post:

How to Conflict with Elders That Doesn’t Result in Being Disowned 

Image: Mushu and Crickee from Disney’s Mulan

Source: Link

Well shit. Here it comes. You know you’re right. You KNOW it. Or, at least, you know enough that you can hold your own in a discussion at the adult table. And it’s important enough to bring up to the elders. How we gonna survive this?

Best Practice #4: To avoid being a jerk (like me), be conscious of your physical cues first. One of my favorite tools to use with my clients is being really aware of your body, your breath, and what happens when you’re discussing something stressful or anxiety-inducing. If you haven’t thought of this before, let’s try it out right now:

• If it’s safe to pause for right now, get comfortable: whether you’re seated, standing, or lying down.
• Take some deep breaths. Increasing oxygen flow tells your central nervous system, your brain, and your body that you’re in a safe space.
• Let your jaw slack a little, release your shoulders and let them drop a bit.
• Let your gaze drop down to the floor. Or, if you feel comfortable, close your eyes.
• Take 3-4 deep deep breaths. (or cheat and do only 2, what am I gonna do, know about it?)

What did you notice about your body? What does being in a state of calm feel like? Is there a glob of good vibes that sits on your chest, maybe hugs your shoulders? What color is it? Does it have a texture? Does it feel cool, or warm, or something else?

The nice thing about energy and your body is that they’re the two things that will always be with you. When you’re in a stressful situation and need to call on some calm, check in with your body. Let them support you, remind you what it’s like to feel in control and safe.

On the flip side, also know what you’re like when you get irritated. Does your forehead flare up? Do your fingers twitch, do your toes tap? What does that energy look like, feel like; where does it sit in your body? When you think about that one problematic, nosy auntie, where does anger flare up in your body? Know your body, let those cues be your cue to pause.

Best Practice #5: If’s and and’s, but no buts.

One of my favorite phrases that I learned from someone super close to me [that literally sits behind me Monday – Friday], is to replace “but” with “and, also.” Let me say that again in bold:

Replace “but” with “and, also.”

And that makes sense. Earlier in this post, I touched on relevancy, the fear of losing control, of experiencing colonization by the younger generation. It’s one thing to be right, it’s another thing to be right and just have more power and privilege because America is your home court. Replacing “but” with “and, also” does a couple of things:

• it validates the other person’s viewpoint, even if it’s just true for them
• it pivots the conversation to layer your point on theirs as equally valid, not as an opposition per se, but as a co-existing truth
• it doesn’t mean you agree with them, it does mean this is meant to be a conversation and not a conversion

Image: Psyduck, a Pokémon, channeling the power of its headache into an attack

Of course again, immigrant parents. If it’s not a 100% “yes, you’re right mom” it’s an act of defiance, it’s a mockery of your authority, it’s being fresh, it’s your ass begging for a slipper/hanger/belt/broom/etc.

[NOTE: If you experienced physical harm that you’re reconsidering as abuse and not as a tier of parental discipline, here’s some steps to do a pulse check & consider how to heal and unlearn that]

Though fam, there’s another level to conflicting with our elders. They want us to win at life, because when we win, we all win.

To a degree, they also want the assurance that we got this adulting shit handled. That we can hold our own in an adult conversation, come through with valid points, and also still be as respectful and loving as kids and parents should be. Depending on the relationship you have with your elders, that may come easier than you may realize. The middle ground is loving each other: whether that’s pouring them tea first and refilling the kettle, wearing that shirt your mom bought at TJ Maxx for you, or even quoting their advice and catchphrases back at them.

Image: Sylvester Stallone and Michael B. Jordan, Creed II

*I wanted to make this image a metaphor of being proud to make the next generation successful, “taught him everything he knows” yadda yadda… I also like looking at Michael B. Jordan. Bless his commitment to his craft.

Best Practice #6: Know their boundaries, and make yours known.

Know yourself. You grew up with your elders, and maybe you know some of the family chai when it comes to things they’ve done, things they’ve survived, and things they don’t want to talk about. You’re not a kid anymore. You’ll always be their child, you were born/raised in America, and also, you’re an adult now. Relying on you is going to be the norm, and they need to know you’re reliability is more than within your skills of Speaking English, Knowing American Culture, and Having White Friends (maybe).

Let them know what your boundaries are with your personal life, your professional life, your sense of self, and your body. Be clear about what critiques you will tolerate, which ones you’re going to square up and defend, and which ones are harms and are not allowed in your space. If you want to be petty, you can send light reminders about the faults and flaws you know they have, finessing those comments as mid-level warnings not to test your boundary.

Regardless of how you define your boundaries, do this rooted in love. Do this rooted in love for yourself, pride in who you have become, and hope in who you are becoming. Do this so they can see you as an adult. That you’ve grown from the kid you once were into an adult that is rising to be the manifestation our ancestors’ wildest dreams. Because in this world, it’s somehow a wild dream for a first gen kid in America – a kid of immigrant parents – to be safe, secure, healthy, and in community with their people.

With all that said…

Image: Fauna the fairy, trying to bake a cake in Disney’s Sleeping Beauty
Source: Pinterest

…there it is! First post done! Please be gentle and abundant with constructive criticisms, looking very forward to them since it’s been awhile I’ve written something creative, much less a mental health blog. Looking forward to create next week’s topic “Can I Be Queer Now?” where I’ll discuss the journey of exploring your gender identity and sexual orientation, and as a first gen kid how social media plays a part in affirming your identity.

Hi y’all –

Piloting my first short series of blog posts to analyze common transition periods and mental health experiences from the lens of a perspective that’s both personal to me and within my expertise as a mental health professional.

For my first series, these posts will tackle some challenges that could be faced by a person who is a child to immigrant parents. This lens can be also be relatable to adult children with parents that have different values and beliefs, navigating a successful path while avoiding the potholes of Depression, Anxiety, and Doubt; and also, as we affirm our gender, style, and sexuality for ourselves, the process of updating our Instagram, LinkedIn, and maybe the Facebook with your family members on it.

The series is as follows:

American Adult Child: Navigating relationships with your elders while adulting

Can I Be Queer Now?: Exploring what’s normal for you and updating your social media

Anxiety is That Auntie: How anxiety can be like “that auntie” and how we can still love her from a distance

There’s No Kumon For This: Developing and trusting your decision making process

Aiming to get this out on Fridays, starting this Friday 6/14 (eep!). Looking forward to share these blog posts to be resources to everyone, and if there are other aspects of mental health care and wellness you’d like explained and walk through, please let me know here on my website, at my Facebook page, or through my IG @jamydrapezawellness ❤

– Jamy